Six months, and so many changes.

I should have blogged everything that came before, but life got in the way. Funny how life does that.



Six months and ten days.

Two teeth - top left and bottom left, both just barely peeking through.

Rolling over.

Up on all fours, inch worming across the floor.

Twenty Three and some odd pounds.

I could wax poetic about a mother's love; tell you all about how I would die for him; go on and on about how my soul is complete now that he's here - but you already know all of that.

If I could find words to describe my love for these amazing children, I would be a rich woman indeed. I've yet to find those words. They don't exist in the English language. They only exist in our hearts.

A big milestone!!

I know, I haven't updated in almost a month, because, to be honest, three month old babies are only interesting to their parents.

Ean will be four months old on Feb. 27, and he has been working on all his three month milestones. He makes so much eye contact and laughs all the time now. He loves Itsy Bitsy Yoga - even when he's crying, I can always elicit a grin with a few yoga poses. He weighs about 19 pounds now and he wears size 12 months clothes.

He goes to sleep at 8pm every night, on the dot. He wakes up at 3am for a nurse, and then back to sleep until 6, which he thinks is the perfect time to get up for the day. We disagree on that.

He hates to be on his belly, which is why I was totally surprised by the amazing thing he did today - he rolled over!!

He was lying on my bed, on his back, watching me talk to The Hub. He started grunting and straining, so I looked down, and he was on his side. He worked so hard until finally, bloop! over on his belly he went. And then he started crying, because he hates to be on his belly. I can't blame him. There isn't much to look at down there.

I can't believe how quickly time has passed. It makes me a little sad to put away his 6 and 9 month clothes, knowing there will never be another baby wearing them. But, I am consoled by the fact that all those clothes will have squares cut from them and be made into a beautiful quilt for him to treasure forever. (I would give them to a needy family, but most are in pretty sad shape after all these kids.)

Three Whole Months

Ean is three months old. He weighs right around 18 pounds now, and wears size 6-9 months, and some 12 months. He is gigantic.

He loves to be held, and he loves to laugh at Momma. I wear him in the Ergo and he nurses, then looks up at me and laughs, and then falls asleep. He is ticklish on his thighs. And he loves to mimic - his big brother was crying and Ean copied his whine perfectly, except he wasn't crying, he was cooing! Same inflection and tone, different context.

He likes to reach out at things. He was lying on his tummy the other day and when I looked over to him, he had reached and gotten ahold of the television remote. He was running his fingers along the buttons like he couldn't quite believe what he was feeling.

He likes to suck his fists. Sometimes he wakes me up with his weird sucking noises.

He sleeps in bed with me, and I love that. I love to curl my body around his. I feel his little feet on my knees and his head on my chest. I feel empty if he isn't near me.

I love him more than words can say. I am sad because I had such terrible postpartum depression with all my other children, so I never felt this way. With all the others, day to day life was a struggle; I was just barely coping. I'm sad that I never experienced such unbelievable joy with my other children.

He's such a sweet little Booboo. I'm the luckiest Momma in the whole world.

Two Month Checkup

No pictures today, since my batteries won't hold a charge.

Ean had his two month checkup yesterday. Baby boy weighs 16 pounds, 5 ounces! He's in the 99th percentile. I knew he was big, but I didn't realize he was that big!

He got a rotavirus vaccine, and I got chewed out for not doing the other vaccines just yet. I have a feeling we're about to be discharged from the doctor's office, because every time we go there I get reamed for vaccines. It's not that my kids arne't vaccinated. They just aren't vaccinated on the doctor's schedule. I don't feel that it's safe to bombard their tiny systems with so many foreign substances at once. They end up having most of their vaccines by the time they're 5 (except Hepatitis and Chicken Pox, because we don't give those.) This is not good enough for the doctor, apparently.

So anyway, he seems to have no reaction to the rotavirus vaccine, which is good, and his spitting up is obviously not reflux since he's gaining so much weight. Momma's little chunky-butt. :D

2 months already!

With the holidays and all, I have been unable to update on my sweet Ean.

He is nine weeks and two days old as I'm typing this. He turned exactly 2 months on Sunday, the 27th.

At some point, right around the 8 week mark, Ean developed a personality! He now looks into my eyes, rather than looking through me, and he loves to be talked to. When I talk to him, his whole body moves. His trunk moves side to side, his arms flap, and his legs pedal up and down. He smiles with his whole face, and he giggles when he really gets smiling.

He looks up at me when he's nursing and gives me a big grin, which just melts my heart.

Ean loves to talk now. His mouth moves all over, like he's trying to form words, and then he'll finally let out a breathy "oooooh" or a "guuuuuu." He makes lots of little gurgly sounds. His breathing also has that classic two-month rattle, since he's starting to make more saliva.

He is in size 6-9 month clothes now, officially. He outgrew the last of the 3-6 months. When he's wearing certain diapers, he needs a size 12 month onesie because the diaper is huge.

My other babies were all summer babies, so Ean is the first kid to wear onesies all the time under clothes. It's chilly in our house, and he seems extra sensitive to temperature. Actually, he's extra sensitive to everything - he hates lots of noise and confusion, he hates lots of smells, he hates bright lights and big crowds. I guess he isn't headed to NYC anytime soon...

Ean still cries every night for no apparent reason. We are trying Gripe Water. It does seem to distract him for a little bit, so he stops crying for a couple minutes, then starts right back up.

Despite that, he is squishy and huggable and the sweetest thing ever. I think I'll keep him.

Seven weeks....

... plus one day.

He is crying, and doesn't sleep, and nurses 24/7, so no real update. Have not been able to put him down for days. He has slept a total of 45 minutes since 7 this morning.

Tired.

Six Weeks!

(Written Wednesday, December 9.)

Six weeks and one day, since I didn't have a chance to update yesterday.

Ean weighs around 13.5 pounds now, and wears mostly size 6-9 months. He is a chunky butt.

His diaper rash is completely gone. I switched to cloth. I hate it, because I don't have good covers (even the good ones I bought are crap) so they leak everywhere. But he doesn't have a rash, and that's the most important thing. None of the creams the doctor prescribed were working, but switching did, even though the doctor insisted that the rash wasn't due to a diaper allergy.

I know it was an allergy, because it's gone now, and because I have an allergy too. I am horribly allergic to feminine hygiene products (I have to use cloth) and the rash I get looks exactly like the rash Ean had.

Ean is spending a lot more time awake now. He likes to watch his brother and sisters playing, and he is starting to smile at everyone, not just me. He cries every night but I think I've found the solution - when he is crying because he's overtired, I set him down in his swing. He cries alone and it breaks my heart (I am a strictly "no-CIO" parent) but it only lasts a little bit. It feels like at least fifteen minutes but last night when I watched the clock, it wasn't even a whole minute. He then stops crying and looks around, and that's when I pick him up and he goes right to sleep. It's like he needs a second to cry, and get it out of his system, without any stimulation.

He looks exactly like his big sister. I wonder who he'll look like as he gets older?

Five Weeks, with smiley pictures!

Ean is five weeks old today. It's just unbelievable to me that five weeks have gone by so quickly.

We were at the doctor again today, for his terrible diaper rash. Turns out, I was right in the first place - he has thrush. It's in his mouth, and it's on his bottom. The diaper rash has a secondary bacterial infection, and its really bad, bloody and oozing. We have three different creams to put on it now. I also have some diaper covers coming in the mail soon, so he can be back in cloth full time. Cloth seems to help the rash dramatically, but he outgrew all his diaper covers so he's in disposables now.

He was weighed at the doctor, and he now tips the scales at 12 pounds, 10 ounces. Chunky boy!

Here are some pictures I took today.

One Month! And a Milestone!

Ean is one month old today. A whole month! This month has gone by faster than any month I've ever experienced.

Ean gave me something wonderful for his one month birthday - a smile! A real smile! We were soaking in the tub, and I had him lying on his back on my arms, completely submerged except for his head, which he loves. I was singing to him and smiling, and he gazed into my face and then broke out into a huge grin!

I am so happy this time around. I had a week or two with awful depression, but that's gone now and I really feel happy. This is such a different experience for me. Usually the depression doesn't go away until a year or more (or I get pregnant, whichever comes first!) But this time, it went away just like baby blues are supposed to. I feel strong and capable. I feel especially good after a shower, because The Hub, having spent twenty minutes alone with all five kids, says to me, "Honey, I don't know how you do it. I could never take care of them full time like you do." That just makes my day, and when times do get rough, like in the evening when Ean is crying and fussy, I just remember that, and it makes me feel so much better.

Four Weeks, and a Checkup.

Okay. Four weeks and one day, because I forgot to update. Also, he is 3 weeks in this picture, because the batteries in my camera are dead.

Ean had a checkup on Monday. We decided to take him in because his mouth looked thrushy, but the doctor thinks it's just spit-up that's sticking around too long. I've got some remedies I am going to try because it doesn't seem like spit-up to me, but anyway.

At 3 weeks and 6 days of age, Ean weighed 11 pounds, 15 ounces, and 22 1/2" long. He's grown 1 1/2" in length and gained 1 pound, 9 ounces.

Ean has to wear cloth diapers. No disposables. We tried Pampers and Luv's, but they both leak terribly. As in, soaking outfits with each pee, and ruining them with each poop. Huggies fit, and don't leak, but he breaks out in an awful rash. So it looks like for now we're doing cloth, which is fine with me. With the older kids, I switch back and forth regularly. I don't have any covers that fit Ean though, so that will be an early Christmas present for me.

He is starting to be more alert, and likes to sit in his seat and look around. He also decided that he doesn't like to have his legs up like a frog when he's being worn, and he definitely doesn't like being on his belly - unless he's tummy to tummy in the wrap, of course. He is still spitting up a LOT, but he doesn't seem to be in discomfort unless he's lying down, and he is obviously gaining weight, so I'm not going to worry about reflux at this point.

I love him. I can't even tell you how much I love him. There is nothing sweeter than planting a big kiss on his squishy cheek, or holding him on my chest and kissing his velvety little head. I can't get enough of him. He is so amazing.

3 1/2 weeks

Ean is 3 1/2 weeks old. Today he did the sweetest thing. He woke up, next to me, and snuggled in for a nurse. Then he let go, looked me in the eyes, and said "Ohhhh!"

That's his first attempt at communication other than crying. He is growing so fast.

He is also sick, I think. He's go a stuffy nose, which I have been suctioning like crazy, and kind of coughs. I'm not sure if he's actually sick or if this is because he spits up so much. I think possibly the spit up is going up into his nose. I have been dairy, soy, and nut free for nearly 3 days now but I'm not seeing a change. I think his reflux is just plain old reflux, not food related.

I decided I am going to make Ean big soft fabric blocks for Christmas. I think he'll like that a lot.

Three Weeks

Ean is three weeks old today. Can you believe that? Time goes by so quickly...

He is a lot more alert these days. He gets fussy in the evenings; not screaming like colic, but fussy and wanting to be held and comforted. I am afraid he might have reflux, because he spits up constantly and is uncomfortable when he's laying down. He likes to be upright at all times, even in arms.

I'm not sure how big he is, but I guess between 12 and 13 pounds. He's wearing outfits that The Babe wore when he was two and three months old. The Babe was not a teeny baby - 8lb 11oz - but compared to Ean he was really little.

He still has a little bit of blood in his eyes from birth, but just a tiny bit. He sometimes gets tears in his eyes when he cries, but usually he doesn't cry for long enough to have that happen. He goes to sleep every night around 8:30pm and sleeps for four or five hours, and then he wakes up to nurse and goes right back to sleep. I am not sleep deprived at all, because he sleeps in bed with me so I just doze through his feedings.

I think the thing that's hardest for me is knowing what he needs. He is only soothed by nursing so I worry that maybe I'm overfeeding him, or teaching him that feeling over-full is best. But it works, and I'd much rather have a chubby, happy baby than a "normal sized" miserable one.

Two Weeks

Ean is two weeks old today. It's 10:18 pm as I'm typing.... two weeks ago to the minute I was sitting on the toilet, extremely frightened.

...

Ean woke up. Now it's 10:30... two weeks ago at this minute I was holding my newborn on the toilet. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like he's been here forever.

One Week with Ean

Yesterday Ean turned a week old. He likes to nurse and be held and cuddled. He doesn't like to have his diaper changed or be undressed. He likes to be in the carseat, but only if the car is moving.



We have not been to the doctor yet. I guess this is for two reasons - first, I don't see any reason to. Ean is healthy. Secondly, the doctor's office is full of sick children, and I don't want to expose any of the kids to more germs than we have to.



So, I have no idea how much Ean weighs now. He nurses great and seems content so I don't worry about his weight.

I am healing fine. I still have some pain in my pelvic bones, especially if I move too quickly. I also get tired out fairly easily, but I never have an opportunity to nap. I had a couple days where I pretty much laid in bed all day but now I am so stir-crazy that I just can't rest. I need to get out and about. It's hard to have a baby during flu season, because you want to get out but you don't want to expose the baby to anything. We've gone out a few times and I just make sure no one touches him or even really looks at him, and we use hand sanitizer frequently.

I still miss being pregnant but I have such a beautiful baby. I am a lucky momma indeed.

Reflections

I can't believe it's over. This pregnancy was so unplanned and unwanted at first, and now I look at my beautiful baby boy and I can't believe I ever felt that way. I can't believe how fast the whole thing flew by.

I had initially planned to paint my belly like a pumpkin, but when October rolled around and I was so unbelievably uncomfortable, it didn't sound good anymore. I saw other people's bellies painted like pumpkins and I was just, ugh. I didn't want to do it. Now I sort of wish I had.

I miss my pregnant belly though. I miss feeling him move around in there, and the anticipation, and the quiet moments at night when he'd get hiccups and poke me with his skinny, bony little feet.

I miss wondering when he'd come. I miss planning for him, and buying little baby things, and setting things up for him. I miss daydreaming about him. I miss the trips to Yolanda's office, and her soft hands feeling my precious unborn baby. I miss waiting.

Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamed I had two babies. Ean, and another baby boy. They looked the same, pretty much, and they were both dressed in white onesies with white socks, with those scrawny red little legs and that sweet little chin-dimple. I was holding Ean and nursing him but I couldn't get to my other baby boy. I was reaching and reaching for him but I couldn't get to him, and I was so distressed. He just kept moving away from me into empty space. I don't remember if I was crying in the dream but when I woke up I just started bawling and missing my other baby. I cuddled Ean and rubbed his impossibly tiny little head, and longed for his brother. It came to me that maybe Ean had initially been a twin, and his brother had been lost before we even knew he existed. I don't know if it's true, but it sure feels like it. I ache, like there is another baby supposed to be here too.

This has been the weirdest experience of my life, truly. This is the most surreal thing that has ever happened to me, from beginning to end. I don't know how to move forward from here. I don't know how to do it. I don't really know how to adjust and be a mom of a newborn again.

This birth, in all it's beauty, is also the closing of a chapter in my life. The Hub had a vasectomy in March, so there will never again be another little person hiding deep inside me. I will never again agonize over a late period, or feel a mix of glee and dread over a second line on a pregnancy test, or spend months in a morning sickness fog. I'll never do any of this again. It's bittersweet and part of me really want him to go have his vasectomy reversed. Part of me doesn't want it to be over.

What a strange, strange journey this has been.

I had a BABY!

here is the birth story...

http://2undertoo.blogspot.com/2009/10/ordinary-miracle.html

You'll have to go see bwhether it was a boy or a girl... intelligender predicted girl, chinese gender chart predicted boy.

there's a picture too...

oh. i think i know what this is.

I think this weird feeling is the baby's head. It's right on my pelvic floor and I can feel it moving around. This is different from anything I've ever felt before.

Dilated 4-5 with waters bulging, 95% effaced. It really could be any day now. Hopefully sooner than later because Yolanda leaves for vacation on Saturday....

it continues

the waiting, I mean. No baby yet. I am so overdue that the pregnancy countdown thing on the right is now counting backwards, telling me just how overdue I am. 16 days. 17 days. 18 days. How much further can it go?

If you go by my latest due date, though, I'm only 6 days overdue. Isn't pregnancy supposed to be a little shorter when you've have a bunch of kids? I guess I just figured I wouldn't go this late. I thought I'd be a little early.

The midwife leaves for vacation on Saturday. The baby must be born in the next six days or I will not get the homebirth I have been planning for. Well, no, actually. If the baby is not born in the next six days I will rearrange my plans and have an unassisted birth. I will not give my body up to a hospital again. And if people think that's foolish, I understand, but the thing is, the doctors and hospitals are the ones who caused this, not me. If they had treated me with a modicum of respect on any of the opportunities they had, I wouldn't be planning a homebirth at all.

Anyway.

Lots of prodromal labor. Blah. I can literally think myself into a contraction. Just rub my hands over my belly and think "Oh, I wish I would have a contraction," and voila. Contraction. But even when I keep that up, labor doesn't kick in.

Today I planned out where my chicken coop and pig pen will be, come spring. Hopefully tromping all over the property got something moving.

Nope.

No, I have not had the baby yet.

Five says maybe there isn't a baby in there at all. She says it's just a watermelon. Beastie says it's not a baby, it's a donkey. And EJ just wants to know when it's coming out so she can show the baby to all her friends at school.

I've been nursing The Babe as frequently as possible, to hopefully get something going, but it isn't working. I did lose my mucus plug yesterday, but further research says that was just the result of my exam on Tuesday and doesn't mean a thing.

I'm eager to meet the baby. I'm eager to have my body back. But mostly, the reason I am so anxious to go into labor, is because I hate the not knowing. I hate not knowing when it will happen, or if it will happen. What if there is something wrong with me and I can't have babies without artificial induction? What if there's nothing wrong with me at all, and it happens so quickly that no one can get here?

The Hub can't have his cell phone on the floor at work, and they just got rid of their security company, so there's no main number I can call. He works in a factory so it's not easy to get ahold of him. What if, by the time I realize what's going on, it's too late for him to get home? What if he gets home and I've already had the baby?

Another thing that's bothering me is the phone calls. They're constant. Starting around 8:30 every morning, my entire family starts calling, wanting to know if the baby has been born. If it's not "Did you have the baby?", it's "Are you in labor?"

I feel like a watched pot that'll never boil.

Progress .... ?

Midwife appointment this morning. 4 centimeters dilated, 80% effaced. Baby is head down and in the pelvis but ballotable - not engaged. Yolanda predicts baby will be born Thursday....