Another appointment under my belt

I saw the midwife Thursday. Nothing great happened, other than learning I've gained a total of twelve pounds and that freaks me out. (I only gained thirteen with The Babe.) But, whatever. This is a different pregnancy, a different baby, so it is what it is. I started pregnancy at an unhealthy weight (not fat, but chubby) so I do worry a little about gaining even more.

I don't know how far along I am. But around five months. Maybe four and a half, maybe five, I don't know. The baby flips around all the time, and yesterday for the first time, I could feel it on the outside too. I've never felt it on the outside this early, but like I said, different baby, different pregnancy.

I am now thoroughly convinced that this baby is in fact a girl. I'm so convinced that I don't even bother looking at blue things when we're out and about - but, I won't really look at girl things either, because I just have so many. I have bought quite a few gender neutral items, including a snowsuit (lightweight enough to fit safely under car seat straps.) If baby turns out to be a girl, I can just put a little pink bow on her white and yellow sleepers, and if it's a boy, I'll put on blue buttons or something. But its not a boy. I'm sure of it.

My new project - cloth diapers. Despite being almost militantly AP, I've never used cloth, but really there's no good reason not to. Even if you have to pay for laundry (which I don't, since I have a house) but even if you did, it would still be cheaper than disposables. Anyway, I'm switching Beastie and The Babe over to cloth, and the new baby will be in cloth from the beginning. I'm learning how to make covers, since I've decided that prefolds are the way to go. We have very hard water here, so I chose prefolds because of their durability. I'm ordering some Chinese prefolds soon, once I figure out exactly how to make covers. They're ridiculously easy to make, so even though my first attempts are crap, I know they'll be better as I practice.

Panic Mode

I'm really worried that having the baby will be an overwhelming emotional adjustment. I mean, mentally, I know a baby's coming. And physically, too, with little taps and wiggles reminding me just when I start to forget. But I don't have any way to make myself emotionally aware. I need to do the work, the physical work, of preparing for a baby, and I can't.

See, I already have everything I need for the new baby. Everything. (Well, I do need the birth kit, and some white stuff for baby to wear right out of the womb.) Otherwise though, there is no preparing to be done. And it's making me crazy.

I'm not even five months pregnant, but I'm feeling so anxious and antsy, and I don't know what to do with this anxiety. My mom says I need a project, and I think she's right. I've been working on making inventory for my etsy shop, but that's not really helping. (Plus also, I don't even HAVE an etsy shop. So I'm making stuff with the hope of having an etsy shop, and hoping to have an etsy shop and actually having an etsy shop are two very different things. I guess I should get on that.)

What I need to do is busy myself doing something to get ready for the baby, and I think I should make something.

I thought about making a quilt. The problem is, I don't know how to make a quilt. And I don't know the baby's gender, and 99.9% of "baby" fabrics are either pink or blue, and if they're not pink or blue, they're definitely masculine or feminine. Or just downright ugly. And to be honest, when I look at all the work and measuring and cutting and just the overall precision of making a quilt - well, let me put it this way. Just thinking about it makes me want to rip out my hair and gouge out my eyeballs. A quilt is definitely out.

Here's another problem. I know how to sew, and am actually quite proficient, but I have absolutely no clue how to read or use a pattern. This is another thing that sends me into panic mode. Do you know what patterns look like? They have like, printing all over them. And you're supposed to measure, I don't know, something, and then you have to cut it out all neatsy peatsy, and then you have to pin it on the fabric and cut that out, and AUGH! It's just too much. Too, too much.

So for now my mission is this: Find a project. Do the project. And stop panicking, already.

18 weeks

18 weeks pregnant. Wow. I definitely have a belly, and it looks pregnant if I have a shirt on, but its not baby. There is a hard ball low down that's all baby, but the part that looks like a pregnant belly is just fat. It must be from the growing uterus pushing it up. I can still wear all my regular clothes, especially jeans and stuff. Since I don't like to broadcast what's going on in my womb, I wear a lot of hoodies and jackets over my clothes. I kind of like the thought of this special little secret growing inside me.

I weighed myself today. I won't tell you what I weigh, but I will tell you that so far I've gained eight pounds. I'm surprised it isn't thirty, with my humongous appetite. But then, I'm nursing The Babe (he's just eight months, after all,) and creating a new life, and trying to keep my own body alive. No wonder I'm so hungry.

I need to buy some white things. White onesies and shirts and pants and hats and socks. Oh and blankets, lots of white blankets. I want the baby to be all dressed in white at first, because, well, just because. When I think of homebirth, I think of a specific birth story I saw one time, years and years ago when the internet was still a novelty. The parents had documented the birth with photos, and what I remember most is that their brand new baby was all dressed in white. It just seemed so perfect. The birth had been pure and wholesome, and the baby was pure and wholesome, so of course he (or she) should be dressed in only pure, wholesome clothing. Probably that baby, whose birth affected me so much all those years ago, is in his or her early teens now. Amazing how time goes by.

I'll see the midwife in two weeks. I need your help to be strong - Now that the baby is big enough to tell, I'm having serious ultrasound temptation issues. I want to know!! But I found out the genders of all my other children, so I want to stay strong and let this one be a surprise, just like his or her very existence.

How Soon We Forget

I can't believe I forgot about this part of pregnancy - the HUNGER! I can't seem to get enough to eat, and instead of grabbing half a sandwich to tide me over for 20+ hours, I now find myself eating at least four full meals a day.

Today alone I ate:

1 bagel with cream cheese
2 oz smoked whitefish
1 cup coffee with cream
1 bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar
an entire can of tomato soup
a turkey sandwich on 12 grain bread, with swiss cheese & horseradish mustard
three ears of corn
a slice of cherry pie
2 glasses of rich chocolate ovaltine, mmm
a big bowl of pasta salad
a small bowl of mint chocolaty chip ice cream
2 bananas
...and one starburst.

It's not dinner time yet. I'm planning on having grilled chicken, more pasta salad, broccoli, and a big giant bowl of sliced strawberries for dessert.

I haven't gained much weight at all... I think that trend is about to change. Now I need to go get another snack.

intelligender

I caved and did the intelligender test. In case you missed it at two under two, the results are...

I really thought this one was a boy... I guess only time will tell for sure.

Coming to Acceptance

If I told you I was thrilled to be having another baby, I would be lying. I'm not thrilled. I know the work that's ahead of me, and I know the tears the my older children are going to cry. This is the only instance i can think of where being an AP mom has been less than ideal... the babies don't know how to go to sleep on their own. I've always rocked them and loved them to sleep. It wouldn't be such a huge deal except that The Hub works second shift, so it's just me and my one lap, and its hard as it is. Beastie is 21 months old, and will be 26 months old when the new one comes. Anyone who thinks a 2 year old is not a baby is misinformed and expecting too highly of their children. A 2 year old child is gaining independence rapidly but is still very much a baby and needs the love and gentle guidance that one would give a younger child.
So the point is, I know my Beastie is going to spend some time crying once the new baby gets here, and that kills me. Because I refuse to let her "cry it out" to teach her to fall asleep on her own. It's non-negotiable; it isn't going to happen. She will cry next to me as I rock her little siblings, who will be 13 months and newborn. She does it now sometimes, and it hurts so bad to see your little child in so much emotional distress. I fear that it will get worse with a new addition.

But, I am starting to accept the new little one. The midwife gave me a packet of the things I need for the birth and immediately following, and on the packet it said "newborn diapers." That completely floored me. I know it sounds crazy but for some reason picturing tiny little cloth diapers (which I do not use, by the way) made the fact that a baby is coming seem so much more real.

And that got me thinking of the way newborns look, with their fat bellies and bowed legs and little black cord stump, and those unbelievably tiny butt cheeks, and their red faces and milia and stork bites (of which my babies always seem to have plenty) and the way their gums look and their little fisted hands and... for a moment, I can stop seeing the work and trouble, and imagine the little person who's coming.

I imagine white side-snap t-shirts and itty bitty socks and white caps and those little gowns. (I hate those little gowns. They always ride up and they never fit my babies properly, but I have a ton of them because they are just so sweet.) I'm imagining it being autumn, my favorite season, and bringing my Little swaddled bundle outside to smell the dying leaves and bonfires, and I'm picturing Halloween, with the baby on my front in a wrap and The Babe on my back in his backpack carrier, and Beastie and Four and EJ running through the neighborhood dressed as witches and ghosts and cowgirls, and in these moments, it doesn't seem so bad.

There's a little voice that creeps in right about now. Don't fool yourself, the voice says. You will be too tired to go for walks. You will be horribly depressed and overwhelmed, just like each time before. This might break you.

I know. I know in my heart that it will be, at times, horrible. But I also know that it will be fleeting. Look at Beastie and The Babe. It's almost laughably easy to take care of them now, and I've only been doing the "two under two" thing for eight months.

I think another reason I've had trouble with acceptance is because I come from a family who does not really value babies and children. No one has ever been happy to have a new baby enter the family, except me. When my brother and his girlfriend were expecting their children, I was the only one who was excited for them. My parents and grandparents, and my husband's parents, think children are a burden, and that child rearing is a dirty thankless job. It makes me feel really sad. I wish that, upon hearing we're pregnant, just one person would say "Congratulations," rather than "Oh my God, what are you going to do?" Because, really, what am I going to do? Birth the baby, then hate it? No, of course not.

I had to tell my mom I'm pregnant and she was furious. I do not understand this. We aren't rich by any means. Technically, we live below the poverty level. But we never ask anyone else for money, ever. The kids are well fed and dressed in nice clothes and always clean. The kids have plenty of toys and are genuinely happy. They have safe car seats and we ride around in a safe vehicle. There is no reason for people to judge me based on the number of children I have. I may need to deal with this further, and remove myself from these people and toxic situations, if it gets too out of hand.

I am going to make a conscious effort to love this baby now. I know it will get easier closer to the birth, but I want the baby to feel positive energy now, not negativity. I want the baby to arrive happy and in good health. And I don't care if they say your mind-set doesn't affect the unborn child - I think it does, and I want to surround him or her with light and happiness.

(nearly) 4 month prenatal appointment

I saw Yolanda, the midwife, yesterday. This was my first official prenatal appointment. She weighed me and then checked my blood for iron, and checked my urine for all kinds of stuff. Oh also she checked my blood pressure and pulse, and of course listened to the baby and measured me.

First things first: I am in excellent physical condition. She said she wishes all women could start pregnancy as healthy as me, and that made me feel really good. I have a large frame and my weight is well above "ideal," and I consider myself plus-sized. I wear about a size 16, which I guess is right at the cut-off of regular and plus-sized. But Yolanda said I am really very healthy. It was interesting, because my urine test said I had some minor things going on with my liver, and she asked if I had taken Tylenol or anything. I hadn't, but I just started taking an antibiotic for a dental issue. I took my first penicillin about three hours before the test, and it was kind of interesting that you could see that my liver was working to eliminate the medicine.

My uterus was measuring 20 weeks, which is more than a month ahead, but that's no big deal really, because this is my fifth baby. Yolanda said that in your first pregnancy or two, in her words, "the baby and the house grow together." But when you have more than two or three children, "the house grows faster than the baby does."

The baby's heartbeat was perfect. We couldn't get a long enough reading to get an accurate heart rate, because s/he was moving all around. But you could hear a nice healthy heart rate and that's the most important thing at this point.

We also looked at the Chinese gender chart and some other things to see if its a boy or a girl. Yolanda kept reminding me that those things were just for FUN, and not to count on them. All the charts said Boy, and Yolanda wrote it in my chart, so we can see if any of them were right.

I go back in a month, and in the meantime I need to go over my "birth kit" and start gathering supplies. Yolanda says to start gathering them now, because when I am in my eighth month I won't feel like going to medical supply stores. I have to agree with that.