3 1/2 weeks

Ean is 3 1/2 weeks old. Today he did the sweetest thing. He woke up, next to me, and snuggled in for a nurse. Then he let go, looked me in the eyes, and said "Ohhhh!"

That's his first attempt at communication other than crying. He is growing so fast.

He is also sick, I think. He's go a stuffy nose, which I have been suctioning like crazy, and kind of coughs. I'm not sure if he's actually sick or if this is because he spits up so much. I think possibly the spit up is going up into his nose. I have been dairy, soy, and nut free for nearly 3 days now but I'm not seeing a change. I think his reflux is just plain old reflux, not food related.

I decided I am going to make Ean big soft fabric blocks for Christmas. I think he'll like that a lot.

Three Weeks

Ean is three weeks old today. Can you believe that? Time goes by so quickly...

He is a lot more alert these days. He gets fussy in the evenings; not screaming like colic, but fussy and wanting to be held and comforted. I am afraid he might have reflux, because he spits up constantly and is uncomfortable when he's laying down. He likes to be upright at all times, even in arms.

I'm not sure how big he is, but I guess between 12 and 13 pounds. He's wearing outfits that The Babe wore when he was two and three months old. The Babe was not a teeny baby - 8lb 11oz - but compared to Ean he was really little.

He still has a little bit of blood in his eyes from birth, but just a tiny bit. He sometimes gets tears in his eyes when he cries, but usually he doesn't cry for long enough to have that happen. He goes to sleep every night around 8:30pm and sleeps for four or five hours, and then he wakes up to nurse and goes right back to sleep. I am not sleep deprived at all, because he sleeps in bed with me so I just doze through his feedings.

I think the thing that's hardest for me is knowing what he needs. He is only soothed by nursing so I worry that maybe I'm overfeeding him, or teaching him that feeling over-full is best. But it works, and I'd much rather have a chubby, happy baby than a "normal sized" miserable one.

Two Weeks

Ean is two weeks old today. It's 10:18 pm as I'm typing.... two weeks ago to the minute I was sitting on the toilet, extremely frightened.

...

Ean woke up. Now it's 10:30... two weeks ago at this minute I was holding my newborn on the toilet. It seems like yesterday, but it seems like he's been here forever.

One Week with Ean

Yesterday Ean turned a week old. He likes to nurse and be held and cuddled. He doesn't like to have his diaper changed or be undressed. He likes to be in the carseat, but only if the car is moving.



We have not been to the doctor yet. I guess this is for two reasons - first, I don't see any reason to. Ean is healthy. Secondly, the doctor's office is full of sick children, and I don't want to expose any of the kids to more germs than we have to.



So, I have no idea how much Ean weighs now. He nurses great and seems content so I don't worry about his weight.

I am healing fine. I still have some pain in my pelvic bones, especially if I move too quickly. I also get tired out fairly easily, but I never have an opportunity to nap. I had a couple days where I pretty much laid in bed all day but now I am so stir-crazy that I just can't rest. I need to get out and about. It's hard to have a baby during flu season, because you want to get out but you don't want to expose the baby to anything. We've gone out a few times and I just make sure no one touches him or even really looks at him, and we use hand sanitizer frequently.

I still miss being pregnant but I have such a beautiful baby. I am a lucky momma indeed.

Reflections

I can't believe it's over. This pregnancy was so unplanned and unwanted at first, and now I look at my beautiful baby boy and I can't believe I ever felt that way. I can't believe how fast the whole thing flew by.

I had initially planned to paint my belly like a pumpkin, but when October rolled around and I was so unbelievably uncomfortable, it didn't sound good anymore. I saw other people's bellies painted like pumpkins and I was just, ugh. I didn't want to do it. Now I sort of wish I had.

I miss my pregnant belly though. I miss feeling him move around in there, and the anticipation, and the quiet moments at night when he'd get hiccups and poke me with his skinny, bony little feet.

I miss wondering when he'd come. I miss planning for him, and buying little baby things, and setting things up for him. I miss daydreaming about him. I miss the trips to Yolanda's office, and her soft hands feeling my precious unborn baby. I miss waiting.

Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamed I had two babies. Ean, and another baby boy. They looked the same, pretty much, and they were both dressed in white onesies with white socks, with those scrawny red little legs and that sweet little chin-dimple. I was holding Ean and nursing him but I couldn't get to my other baby boy. I was reaching and reaching for him but I couldn't get to him, and I was so distressed. He just kept moving away from me into empty space. I don't remember if I was crying in the dream but when I woke up I just started bawling and missing my other baby. I cuddled Ean and rubbed his impossibly tiny little head, and longed for his brother. It came to me that maybe Ean had initially been a twin, and his brother had been lost before we even knew he existed. I don't know if it's true, but it sure feels like it. I ache, like there is another baby supposed to be here too.

This has been the weirdest experience of my life, truly. This is the most surreal thing that has ever happened to me, from beginning to end. I don't know how to move forward from here. I don't know how to do it. I don't really know how to adjust and be a mom of a newborn again.

This birth, in all it's beauty, is also the closing of a chapter in my life. The Hub had a vasectomy in March, so there will never again be another little person hiding deep inside me. I will never again agonize over a late period, or feel a mix of glee and dread over a second line on a pregnancy test, or spend months in a morning sickness fog. I'll never do any of this again. It's bittersweet and part of me really want him to go have his vasectomy reversed. Part of me doesn't want it to be over.

What a strange, strange journey this has been.

I had a BABY!

here is the birth story...

http://2undertoo.blogspot.com/2009/10/ordinary-miracle.html

You'll have to go see bwhether it was a boy or a girl... intelligender predicted girl, chinese gender chart predicted boy.

there's a picture too...

oh. i think i know what this is.

I think this weird feeling is the baby's head. It's right on my pelvic floor and I can feel it moving around. This is different from anything I've ever felt before.

Dilated 4-5 with waters bulging, 95% effaced. It really could be any day now. Hopefully sooner than later because Yolanda leaves for vacation on Saturday....