Food.

Things I am Craving:

Canned tomatoes

Beer battered onion rings

Mongolian Beef from First Wok (I ate this four times last week)

McIntosh apples with caramel dip

Whipped potatoes made with heavy cream and lots of butter, with homemade beef gravy

Yellow cake with chocolate fudge frosting

Homemade vanilla custard

Watermelon (the sugary-sweet kind that you can only get in August)

Lemons

Cottage cheese

Things That Make Me Sick:

Pickles

Chocolate

Chicken noodle soup

Sour cream

Cheese in any form

Tacos

Garlic

Coke/Pepsi

Fake banana flavor

Eggs

So much for instincts.

Up until yesterday, I had the utmost confidence in myself and my body. I have always listened to and trusted my gut instincts and, until yesterday, they never steered me wrong.
So when I felt sure that I had lost the baby, I accepted it. I KNEW I wasn't going to have a baby. I could tell by the way I felt. I no longer felt life energy within me.

I went in for the ultrasound yesterday evening, after much cajoling and coaxing from the nurse at our backup OB's office. The doctor put the probe in (yes, in, and I will never get used to that) and there on the screen, was a little alien. An alien with tiny legs that were kicking all over, and arms that moved from belly to face and back again. And a heartbeat, bumping away at 160 beats per minute.

It's big now, a lot bigger than it was last time. And its very much alive. It measured 11 weeks 3 days, a week ahead of where the last ultrasound put me, and it looks it has a penis, but that's misleading because boys and girls look the same at this stage. I have a picture that I will show you later - I can't do it now, because my mother in law is here, and she doesn't know we're expecting.

Spot

I have been feeling "off" for a few weeks. According to the ultrasound a few weeks ago, I am 10w3d today. I started feeling strange around 8 weeks. I know this feeling - I had it in 2003, when I unknowingly carried around a dead fetus (my first son) for a month.
My pregnancy symptoms are gone, except for the vomiting. But even the vomiting is different. It's a different feeling. The nausea feels different. There is dizziness now, which was unexpected. And then, my breasts are no longer sore, and since I am breastfeeding a young infant, there is no reason for the decreased pain. I have nursed babies through pregnancies twice (this is is the third time) and it never stops hurting.

I am also experiencing cramping. But this is my fifth baby - I know not to mistake cramping for miscarriage. I've had a large number of miscarriages and never experienced cramping till it was well under way.

And then, last night, as I used the bathroom before bed, I saw it. Spotting. Not a lot, but enough.

I am a fairly intelligent woman, especially when it comes to childbearing. I've had my share of babies and losses. I know that spotting does not signal the end of a pregnancy. When I was pregnant for both Beastie and The Babe, I had not just spotting but large amounts of bleeding through the first trimester and well into the second. They are both here with no ill effects - so I know that a little blood means nothing.

The thing is, this spotting was weird. It was exactly like the spotting I had when I lost my first son in 2003. I won't go into detail - you don't want or need to know that. But it was different than just regular spotting, and the only other time I've seen something like that was six years ago.

I can't get an ultrasound. My midwife doesn't perform them, and the OB who delivered The Babe refuses to see me for this pregnancy until I first see a nurse. I said I would see the nurse but she's booked for two months. So I wouldn't be able to get an ultrasound for another ten weeks at least. I called other OB offices and none of them will do an ultrasound until I see the doctor and nurse, and they are all a few weeks out too.

So right now I am in a waiting pattern to see what will happen. It is really strange for me, emotionally. I feel worried and hopeful at the same time. I did not want to be pregnant this time - so much so that I very seriously considered termination - but I feel strangely disappointed. I was getting accustomed to the thought of being pregnant. But at the same time, I still really, really do not want another child.

I suppose time will tell. There is nothing set in stone yet, and in the meantime I am going to call the midwife to see if she can get me in with her backup physician.

I spent the whole weekend in one of three places: in bed, where I laid there and cried and retched and ate cookies and retched and drank sprite and retched; in the bathroom, hugging the toilet, retching; and in the bathtub, where, miraculously I did not retch. I feel great in the bathtub. Unfortunately, I have four children who would rather I get out of the tub now and make them some dinner.

The Hub has a vasectomy scheduled for this coming Friday, the 27th. I am mad because his mom is coming to "help him out" afterwards, and staying the whole weekend. Do you think she ever came and helped me out after bearing her grandchildren? Of course not. I find it very insulting that she thinks I cannot care for the kids while he is recovering from a very minor procedure, but that he can care for them while I am recovering from childbirth. Geez lady, what do you think I do while he is at work all day? Make them change their own shitty diapers and read their own stories and sing songs to themselves, while I sit in front of the tv with a box of BonBons and a bottle of Boone's? (Ahhh, sounds nice though, doesn't it?)

I called the doctor. I don't feel like I have regular morning sickness - I feel like I did in 2003, when I had a stillborn baby. He died in utero and was delivered nearly 2 weeks later, and those two weeks were absolute hell. I felt so unbelievably sick, and I feel like that now. My midwife can't order ultrasounds so I called the doctor, who wants me to have bloodwork. Assholes. I swear to God, I could be a doctor just from what I've read on Google. I just need an ultrasound to see if the baby is alive. I do not want this baby. I am not requesting an ultrasound just to get an excitedlittle peek. I WANT TO FEEL BETTER and if I am carrying around a dead fetus I want it out so I can get better.

almost a month later...

.... and i decide to update. i'm a jerk. what can i say.

I made my first appointment with the midwife. I will see her at the end of April. I don't understand prenatal care at all - I mean, really, can they honestly tell how the baby is doing by checking my weight and blood pressure? (okay, I get the blood pressure thing, but still.) Personally, I would do a completely unassisted pregnancy if I could. The midwife requires that I meet her a couple times before attending the birth, so you do what you gotta do. (I am not comfortable with an unassisted childbirth.)

So. I'm technically 9 weeks 5 days. I am still battling constant nausea, and the fact that I have allergies isn't helping - every time I sneeze, it makes me dry heave. I only have another, oh, four months to look forward to this though. :-/ No, not that long, really. I usually have morning sickness till 20 weeks or so. So I have ten weeks to go. Yay.

No one knows I'm pregnant yet. I haven't told anyone, except The Hub. The kids don't know, my mom doesn't know, no one knows. I am not going to tell anyone till I absolutely have to. Luckily, I don't tend to show until after 20 weeks, so I have some time to go. I might chicken out and act like I never knew I was pregnant, and tell them "Oops, I got a positive test so they did a ultrasound, you will never believe it but I'm six months along!"

I am such a baby.