Another appointment under my belt

I saw the midwife Thursday. Nothing great happened, other than learning I've gained a total of twelve pounds and that freaks me out. (I only gained thirteen with The Babe.) But, whatever. This is a different pregnancy, a different baby, so it is what it is. I started pregnancy at an unhealthy weight (not fat, but chubby) so I do worry a little about gaining even more.

I don't know how far along I am. But around five months. Maybe four and a half, maybe five, I don't know. The baby flips around all the time, and yesterday for the first time, I could feel it on the outside too. I've never felt it on the outside this early, but like I said, different baby, different pregnancy.

I am now thoroughly convinced that this baby is in fact a girl. I'm so convinced that I don't even bother looking at blue things when we're out and about - but, I won't really look at girl things either, because I just have so many. I have bought quite a few gender neutral items, including a snowsuit (lightweight enough to fit safely under car seat straps.) If baby turns out to be a girl, I can just put a little pink bow on her white and yellow sleepers, and if it's a boy, I'll put on blue buttons or something. But its not a boy. I'm sure of it.

My new project - cloth diapers. Despite being almost militantly AP, I've never used cloth, but really there's no good reason not to. Even if you have to pay for laundry (which I don't, since I have a house) but even if you did, it would still be cheaper than disposables. Anyway, I'm switching Beastie and The Babe over to cloth, and the new baby will be in cloth from the beginning. I'm learning how to make covers, since I've decided that prefolds are the way to go. We have very hard water here, so I chose prefolds because of their durability. I'm ordering some Chinese prefolds soon, once I figure out exactly how to make covers. They're ridiculously easy to make, so even though my first attempts are crap, I know they'll be better as I practice.

Panic Mode

I'm really worried that having the baby will be an overwhelming emotional adjustment. I mean, mentally, I know a baby's coming. And physically, too, with little taps and wiggles reminding me just when I start to forget. But I don't have any way to make myself emotionally aware. I need to do the work, the physical work, of preparing for a baby, and I can't.

See, I already have everything I need for the new baby. Everything. (Well, I do need the birth kit, and some white stuff for baby to wear right out of the womb.) Otherwise though, there is no preparing to be done. And it's making me crazy.

I'm not even five months pregnant, but I'm feeling so anxious and antsy, and I don't know what to do with this anxiety. My mom says I need a project, and I think she's right. I've been working on making inventory for my etsy shop, but that's not really helping. (Plus also, I don't even HAVE an etsy shop. So I'm making stuff with the hope of having an etsy shop, and hoping to have an etsy shop and actually having an etsy shop are two very different things. I guess I should get on that.)

What I need to do is busy myself doing something to get ready for the baby, and I think I should make something.

I thought about making a quilt. The problem is, I don't know how to make a quilt. And I don't know the baby's gender, and 99.9% of "baby" fabrics are either pink or blue, and if they're not pink or blue, they're definitely masculine or feminine. Or just downright ugly. And to be honest, when I look at all the work and measuring and cutting and just the overall precision of making a quilt - well, let me put it this way. Just thinking about it makes me want to rip out my hair and gouge out my eyeballs. A quilt is definitely out.

Here's another problem. I know how to sew, and am actually quite proficient, but I have absolutely no clue how to read or use a pattern. This is another thing that sends me into panic mode. Do you know what patterns look like? They have like, printing all over them. And you're supposed to measure, I don't know, something, and then you have to cut it out all neatsy peatsy, and then you have to pin it on the fabric and cut that out, and AUGH! It's just too much. Too, too much.

So for now my mission is this: Find a project. Do the project. And stop panicking, already.

18 weeks

18 weeks pregnant. Wow. I definitely have a belly, and it looks pregnant if I have a shirt on, but its not baby. There is a hard ball low down that's all baby, but the part that looks like a pregnant belly is just fat. It must be from the growing uterus pushing it up. I can still wear all my regular clothes, especially jeans and stuff. Since I don't like to broadcast what's going on in my womb, I wear a lot of hoodies and jackets over my clothes. I kind of like the thought of this special little secret growing inside me.

I weighed myself today. I won't tell you what I weigh, but I will tell you that so far I've gained eight pounds. I'm surprised it isn't thirty, with my humongous appetite. But then, I'm nursing The Babe (he's just eight months, after all,) and creating a new life, and trying to keep my own body alive. No wonder I'm so hungry.

I need to buy some white things. White onesies and shirts and pants and hats and socks. Oh and blankets, lots of white blankets. I want the baby to be all dressed in white at first, because, well, just because. When I think of homebirth, I think of a specific birth story I saw one time, years and years ago when the internet was still a novelty. The parents had documented the birth with photos, and what I remember most is that their brand new baby was all dressed in white. It just seemed so perfect. The birth had been pure and wholesome, and the baby was pure and wholesome, so of course he (or she) should be dressed in only pure, wholesome clothing. Probably that baby, whose birth affected me so much all those years ago, is in his or her early teens now. Amazing how time goes by.

I'll see the midwife in two weeks. I need your help to be strong - Now that the baby is big enough to tell, I'm having serious ultrasound temptation issues. I want to know!! But I found out the genders of all my other children, so I want to stay strong and let this one be a surprise, just like his or her very existence.

How Soon We Forget

I can't believe I forgot about this part of pregnancy - the HUNGER! I can't seem to get enough to eat, and instead of grabbing half a sandwich to tide me over for 20+ hours, I now find myself eating at least four full meals a day.

Today alone I ate:

1 bagel with cream cheese
2 oz smoked whitefish
1 cup coffee with cream
1 bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar
an entire can of tomato soup
a turkey sandwich on 12 grain bread, with swiss cheese & horseradish mustard
three ears of corn
a slice of cherry pie
2 glasses of rich chocolate ovaltine, mmm
a big bowl of pasta salad
a small bowl of mint chocolaty chip ice cream
2 bananas
...and one starburst.

It's not dinner time yet. I'm planning on having grilled chicken, more pasta salad, broccoli, and a big giant bowl of sliced strawberries for dessert.

I haven't gained much weight at all... I think that trend is about to change. Now I need to go get another snack.

intelligender

I caved and did the intelligender test. In case you missed it at two under two, the results are...

I really thought this one was a boy... I guess only time will tell for sure.