18 weeks

18 weeks pregnant. Wow. I definitely have a belly, and it looks pregnant if I have a shirt on, but its not baby. There is a hard ball low down that's all baby, but the part that looks like a pregnant belly is just fat. It must be from the growing uterus pushing it up. I can still wear all my regular clothes, especially jeans and stuff. Since I don't like to broadcast what's going on in my womb, I wear a lot of hoodies and jackets over my clothes. I kind of like the thought of this special little secret growing inside me.

I weighed myself today. I won't tell you what I weigh, but I will tell you that so far I've gained eight pounds. I'm surprised it isn't thirty, with my humongous appetite. But then, I'm nursing The Babe (he's just eight months, after all,) and creating a new life, and trying to keep my own body alive. No wonder I'm so hungry.

I need to buy some white things. White onesies and shirts and pants and hats and socks. Oh and blankets, lots of white blankets. I want the baby to be all dressed in white at first, because, well, just because. When I think of homebirth, I think of a specific birth story I saw one time, years and years ago when the internet was still a novelty. The parents had documented the birth with photos, and what I remember most is that their brand new baby was all dressed in white. It just seemed so perfect. The birth had been pure and wholesome, and the baby was pure and wholesome, so of course he (or she) should be dressed in only pure, wholesome clothing. Probably that baby, whose birth affected me so much all those years ago, is in his or her early teens now. Amazing how time goes by.

I'll see the midwife in two weeks. I need your help to be strong - Now that the baby is big enough to tell, I'm having serious ultrasound temptation issues. I want to know!! But I found out the genders of all my other children, so I want to stay strong and let this one be a surprise, just like his or her very existence.