Spot

I have been feeling "off" for a few weeks. According to the ultrasound a few weeks ago, I am 10w3d today. I started feeling strange around 8 weeks. I know this feeling - I had it in 2003, when I unknowingly carried around a dead fetus (my first son) for a month.
My pregnancy symptoms are gone, except for the vomiting. But even the vomiting is different. It's a different feeling. The nausea feels different. There is dizziness now, which was unexpected. And then, my breasts are no longer sore, and since I am breastfeeding a young infant, there is no reason for the decreased pain. I have nursed babies through pregnancies twice (this is is the third time) and it never stops hurting.

I am also experiencing cramping. But this is my fifth baby - I know not to mistake cramping for miscarriage. I've had a large number of miscarriages and never experienced cramping till it was well under way.

And then, last night, as I used the bathroom before bed, I saw it. Spotting. Not a lot, but enough.

I am a fairly intelligent woman, especially when it comes to childbearing. I've had my share of babies and losses. I know that spotting does not signal the end of a pregnancy. When I was pregnant for both Beastie and The Babe, I had not just spotting but large amounts of bleeding through the first trimester and well into the second. They are both here with no ill effects - so I know that a little blood means nothing.

The thing is, this spotting was weird. It was exactly like the spotting I had when I lost my first son in 2003. I won't go into detail - you don't want or need to know that. But it was different than just regular spotting, and the only other time I've seen something like that was six years ago.

I can't get an ultrasound. My midwife doesn't perform them, and the OB who delivered The Babe refuses to see me for this pregnancy until I first see a nurse. I said I would see the nurse but she's booked for two months. So I wouldn't be able to get an ultrasound for another ten weeks at least. I called other OB offices and none of them will do an ultrasound until I see the doctor and nurse, and they are all a few weeks out too.

So right now I am in a waiting pattern to see what will happen. It is really strange for me, emotionally. I feel worried and hopeful at the same time. I did not want to be pregnant this time - so much so that I very seriously considered termination - but I feel strangely disappointed. I was getting accustomed to the thought of being pregnant. But at the same time, I still really, really do not want another child.

I suppose time will tell. There is nothing set in stone yet, and in the meantime I am going to call the midwife to see if she can get me in with her backup physician.