Thursday, March 26, 2009


I have been feeling "off" for a few weeks. According to the ultrasound a few weeks ago, I am 10w3d today. I started feeling strange around 8 weeks. I know this feeling - I had it in 2003, when I unknowingly carried around a dead fetus (my first son) for a month.
My pregnancy symptoms are gone, except for the vomiting. But even the vomiting is different. It's a different feeling. The nausea feels different. There is dizziness now, which was unexpected. And then, my breasts are no longer sore, and since I am breastfeeding a young infant, there is no reason for the decreased pain. I have nursed babies through pregnancies twice (this is is the third time) and it never stops hurting.

I am also experiencing cramping. But this is my fifth baby - I know not to mistake cramping for miscarriage. I've had a large number of miscarriages and never experienced cramping till it was well under way.

And then, last night, as I used the bathroom before bed, I saw it. Spotting. Not a lot, but enough.

I am a fairly intelligent woman, especially when it comes to childbearing. I've had my share of babies and losses. I know that spotting does not signal the end of a pregnancy. When I was pregnant for both Beastie and The Babe, I had not just spotting but large amounts of bleeding through the first trimester and well into the second. They are both here with no ill effects - so I know that a little blood means nothing.

The thing is, this spotting was weird. It was exactly like the spotting I had when I lost my first son in 2003. I won't go into detail - you don't want or need to know that. But it was different than just regular spotting, and the only other time I've seen something like that was six years ago.

I can't get an ultrasound. My midwife doesn't perform them, and the OB who delivered The Babe refuses to see me for this pregnancy until I first see a nurse. I said I would see the nurse but she's booked for two months. So I wouldn't be able to get an ultrasound for another ten weeks at least. I called other OB offices and none of them will do an ultrasound until I see the doctor and nurse, and they are all a few weeks out too.

So right now I am in a waiting pattern to see what will happen. It is really strange for me, emotionally. I feel worried and hopeful at the same time. I did not want to be pregnant this time - so much so that I very seriously considered termination - but I feel strangely disappointed. I was getting accustomed to the thought of being pregnant. But at the same time, I still really, really do not want another child.

I suppose time will tell. There is nothing set in stone yet, and in the meantime I am going to call the midwife to see if she can get me in with her backup physician.


  1. sending positive thoughts your way. hoping things turn out in the best possible way for you and your family.

  2. I hope that you can get in to see someone very soon. What about just going into the ER and saying you're bleeding? Would that be an option? It's just so awful that you have to wait.


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