Enlightenment

I am twenty six years old (for a few more weeks, anyway) and I have four children - a girl age 7, a girl age 4, a girl age 18 months, and a boy age 5 months. My youngest two children are just thirteen months apart in age.

When my youngest child was conceived, my husband and I were not using birth control. I was breastfeeding my daughter, which had worked as birth control for us in the past. I had never used artificial birth control of any sort, and our children were naturally three years apart.

So it came as a huge surprise to learn I was expecting again. I wasn't thrilled, but I wasn't devastated. I figured it was our own fault, since we hadn't used anything to prevent it from happening. And when my baby boy was born nine months later, I was more than happy with my choice. I can't imagine not having him. He is a sweet, fat, happy little man, always laughing and giggling and snuggling. He is an angel.


After my son was born, we knew that another pregnancy was a possibility. So we were careful. I mean, we were unbelievably careful. I charted my temperature and cervical position, and abstained when I thought I was fertile, but we still used a condom every.single.time. My husband made an appointment for a vasectomy, which will take place in late March, and in the meantime we did everything in our power to prevent pregnancy.


My last period was December 31, 2008. When a month rolled around and no period, I wasn't worried. We'd been so careful, so there was no way I was pregnant. I thought I was late because I am still breastfeeding, and that can really throw your cycles off.


Last weekend I felt very nauseous. But I was out of town, and I thought I felt ill from all that fast food and travel. I always get sick when I travel. Pregnancy did not cross my mind, because we had been so careful.


I don't know why, but I bought a pregnancy test on Wednesday. It was on sale, and my husband had been bothering me about maybe being pregnant - joking around, like it was funny. So I bought the test, and I came home and stuck it in the cupboard. A little later, I told The Hub that I had bought it, and he told me to take it.

"Why?" I asked. "It's just going to be negative." He raised his eyebrows at me. "What? There's no way I'm pregnant. No way."

I took the test.

I saw two lines.

I nearly threw up.

So now here we are. I am thinking about abortion, adoption, and parenting. What is the right choice for me? What is the right choice for my family? My mind is racing, and I can't think straight, and I need to figure this out now. I need to figure everything out and make the right choice, and it's a choice that can't be undone. Once the decision is made, that's that. No going back. And I don't know what to do.