Three Choices

Choice One: Abortion

I am a huge supporter of choice. I would never judge a woman based on her decision to terminate a pregnancy, but after looking at all the information, I don't feel like abortion is an option for me. First of all, I am past the point of pregnancy where I personally feel comfortable with termination - I am already about 7-8 weeks along, which is the latest I've ever discovered a pregnancy. Then too I also think about the fact that if I were to terminate, I would think about it every day, and would probably feel grief and guilt. I would think about how old the child would be at yearly intervals, just like I do with babies that I miscarried. I know that I am not going to have an abortion.

Choice Two: Adoption

I don't think I could give a baby up for adoption. It would be worse than death, to give that child that I carried and held and loved to another family. I know I could make no guarantees about the type of family I chose, and, most importantly, to give a child up for adoption would absolutely kill my children. My seven year old, EJ, would be devastated. She is an observant, introspective child, and I know she would hurt deeply to lose her brother or sister. Again, I would think about how old that child would be. What if my life situation changes in four or five years, and it becomes easier for me to parent five children? Then I know I would want my baby back. I have a deep respect for mothers who give their children up for adoption. To me, it would be easier, emotionally, to abort my baby than to give it up. So adoption is out of the question.

Choice Three: Parenting

I have serious doubts that I can parent another child. As it is, I have trouble with every day things, like bedtime and bathtime. Since my husband works second shift, I feel like I do everything all by myself. When he is home, our older two are in school, so its not so hard to take care of the babies. But when he's gone, I have all the kids and no help. No one in my family is supportive of our large family as it is - they are always making comments about us having too many children. I don't know why they say those things- we don't ask for money or anything. We are doing fine, so I don't know why it's anyone else's business.
I can't go to school functions with EJ, because they're always in the evening, when my hubby's at work. I can't handle the babies alone. It will only get infinitely worse with another baby added to the mix.
We live in a small, two bedroom house. I don't have anywhere to put another dresser and bassinet.
I have an older Grand Caravan. I can fit four car seats in it. I cannot fit a fifth. Right now I have two in boosters and two rear facing in convertible seats. There is no place to put an infant seat, but no one will be big enough to move out of a booster by October. I can't afford another vehicle.

On top of that, I don't want my milk to dry up. I am nursing the fattest happiest baby you've ever seen. I can't imagine weaning him. I will bawl my eyes out if I can't continue to nurse him.

So there's the three choices. I think they all totally suck.